2016
It's been the most tiring year so far for me. Mentally exhausted.
While other people shared their ups and downs throughout the year and being grateful for all the lessons & blessings they got. But I'm here being so ungrateful. Never think of any good instead the bad came across my mind almost every single time. I know it was so selfish. I admit it. So sorry about that. That's me who need to be blamed, not anyone else. It's only ME.
There will be no one who knows my story. And I didn't let them know. Actually I chose to not let them know. I don't need any sympathy. I didn't want anyone to feel guilty for what I've been through. It's not fair to them. To face these all by myself is my choice. Besides I'm not good in story telling. Actually I'm bad. Easily to spread misunderstanding instead of reality happening.
And I always realized. People who know you well, don't need a story to be told. They can see your sorrow with a blink of an eye. Your long story is just wasteful to people who doesn't want to hear that. It will just get you into more problems, never a solutions. It's a relief to get a person who know you, and they are the one who start asking whether you are okay or not. They know you, more than yourself.
You.
You know I won't share my story openly to anyone. But I chose you to listen to my story. To get your support, not to burden you. You got my trust, and all I want is your support. At the beginning, I also decided to not telling you anything. But from time to time, I shared almost everything once I believed you are not like the others. You are part of my life. You are a family. But it seems not going as what as I demand. And yes, I burden you unintentionally. Sorry. I know it's my fault. You deserved to get a better & happier life. And it's definitely not with me.
You left me when I'm in my most horrible & unstable state. You knew that. Thanks for leaving me. It's actually answering my question. And now I know what to do and what's not. But trust me, I was so pleased to have you in my life. It was once the best moment I ever had in my life. To know that someone care about me besides my family and my best friend. Thanks again. Now you are free. No responsibility over me anymore. :)
I believe that I was so easy to be distracted and influenced by the things around me. And that's the reason I leave everything & everyone that I think will give me negative vibes. I stop following people. I stop doing something to please others. I stop comparing my life with anyone's life. I stop read on something bad about people who I don't actually know them. I stop trying to be someone else. I stop thinking bad about people. I stop almost everything.
I want to be me. I want to do something with my own thought. I want to do any decision by myself. I want to do the thing I love to do, not anyone else. I want to see the result of my own decision by not comparing with others. I want to be alone. I want to read all the books I want from the book shelf in the book store. I want to wear what I comfortable with, not what is trend. I want to grow. I want to be better. I just want to be a happy me.
I don't know if it is the so-called Mission 2017.I honestly have no mission at all. I was fully demotivated. No feeling. No motivation. Nothing. All these will be faded real soon and I will becoming more hateful & heartless.
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